Growth Disguised as Loneliness
When I was working in corporate, I used to tell my friends that as the leader of our people function, I was the keeper of all secrets. Not in a gossipy way, but to illustrate that there is so much sensitive, emotionally charged, personal information that I would take in on a daily basis from people across the company. And complex, challenging, interpersonal situations to navigate.
Plus, I’d often have to make decisions about things I’d never encountered before.
If you’re a Head of People/VP HR (or similar role), you know what I’m talking about.
Oftentimes there are very few other people, if any, at the organization we can confide in. While it’s rewarding because people trust you to support them, and you have an opportunity to make a significant impact, the experience of being a senior HR lead can also feel a bit lonely.
This is especially true when navigating challenging decisions and situations you haven’t encountered before.
There’s no one to bounce ideas off.
No one to validate your thinking.
It seems like everything is new, all the time.
The problem is, without a thought partner or coach, it’s easy for a feeling of loneliness to devolve into thinking that you don’t know what you’re doing. And to convince yourself that you’re not capable.
The truth is, you likely don’t know what you’re doing; you haven’t been here before! And that’s okay.
But don’t let not knowing what you’re doing mean that you’re not capable.
Don’t let not knowing mean that you don’t belong.
Don’t let not knowing mean that you’re a fraud.
You can control the narrative. Feeling lonely is absolutely normal. And it’s helpful to name and acknowledge it.
What you make it mean about who you are is where you have the opportunity to create more power in your leadership and more velocity in your personal and professional growth.
There’s always a way to reframe your thoughts to more empowering ones that actually serve you.
A coaching client who leads an HR team was recently sharing their experience of this with me, and an insight they had about what it meant.
“My experience is one of feeling alone, but that’s not what is happening. I’m operating at a different level and it occurs like alone.”
My client had been taking on huge projects impacting the entire organization and leading with more responsibility than they ever had without much partnership from other folks.
What I loved about this statement was the awareness that a feeling of loneliness was simply evidence of their growth as a leader.
As my coach likes to say, growth happens out on the skinny branches of your life. It’s true. The branches beneath you are much less sturdy, it can feel a little lonely, and success requires you to evolve.
It’s okay to feel lonely. And it’s okay to seek connection and support from others.
The key is to distinguish between loneliness as a desire for connection and loneliness as a desire for validation, and to control the narrative of what those feelings are truly telling you.
If you’re finding yourself taking on a lot of new responsibility in uncharted territory, let it be a reminder that you’re stretching, learning and growing. Get to know that feeling and welcome it as evidence that you’re being invited to practice leadership in the truest sense of the word; to take people toward a destination without knowing for certain how to get there or if the path will work.
