What Do You Really Want?

A simple question. But why can it feel so difficult to answer?

It’s a question I ask in some form in all of my coaching sessions.

What I often hear from people who are struggling to figure out what they want out of a job, their career, a relationship, a conversation or a key leadership decision is a desire for clarity. And they share that not having clarity on what they want and how to move forward can lead to a sense of frustration. Clients have described this to me like their thoughts feeling akin to a messy ball of yarn with different colored strands overlapping, tangled and out place. They’re struggling to untangle the mess of their thoughts and find the right thread to pull on.

The truth is, you likely already know more than you think you do.

What might be happening is that your survival mechanisms are getting in the way and making it more challenging for your true desires to emerge. Survival mechanisms are a set of conditioned reactions you've developed and show up - often without realizing it - in response to your fears and life's circumstances. They’re designed to protect you and keep you safe, comfortable and small. They blur your vision and muddy your thinking.

Let me share an example of how this can play out even in a fairly simple life situation.

I was talking to a friend of mine who wanted advice on whether or not to text an ex of his. He was traveling and found himself in the same city where she lived. And as he described the situation to me, it was clear he was getting stuck in circular thinking and not breaking through on what he really wanted. After listening to him play out a number of scenarios, I decided to chime on.

Me: “Well, do you want to see her?” 
Friend: “I don’t know. I guess I only want to see her if she wants to see me.”
Me: “Mmmm…interesting. That makes sense. Can I share something with you?”
Friend: “Yes, please.”
Me: “So what I’m hearing is you do want to see her, but only if she’s a yes to seeing you. It seems like you might be confusing what you want with what she wants.”
Friend: “Yea I guess so.”
Me: “I wonder if there might be something else going on here. I wonder if the thinking “only if she wants to see me” is a way to protect yourself from the disappointment of possible rejection.”

He leaned back in his chair with eyebrows lifted and slowly nodded his head as the insight took hold.

Friend: “Wow, I think there’s some truth in that.”

The voice of his higher self - what he truly wanted - was to go see her. But the voice of his survival mechanism (perhaps a fear of rejection) was immediately interfering so that he’d avoid the possibility of getting hurt. He couldn’t see it until it was reflected back to him. But once he did, he knew how to move forward (he texted her, and they met up).

This is why I love coaching! We all need a mirror held up for us to see our thinking more clearly and to uncover desires and truths that are already there.

The larger breakthrough for my friend was his willingness to honor his truth (texting her) even in the face of potential disappointment. This is a powerful stance to take and shows a certain level of personal integrity.

Too often, we shy away from going after what we want because we’re not willing to be with the pain/discomfort/disappointment of things not working out. 

Next time you’re having trouble thinking through your thinking, find a friend, manager or coach who can help you untangle the messy ball of yarn and align the threads so you know how to move forward.

What undistinguished fears might be driving some of the decisions you have in front of you?